Why The 3DS is A Piece of Ass:

Why The 3DS Is A Basket of Ass:

1) A Lack of Real System Colors:

I get that it is the first run and multi colors only happen when the sales start to decline, but damn it, the promotional red 3DS looks pretty sweet! I will, however, give Nintendo some credit, at least they didn't go with the traditional White/Black/Silver failsafes. Do you understand just how many things I own that happen to be in some combination of one or more of those three colors? It is annoying! Instead, Nintendo goes with black, and I don't even know what color that blue is, but at least it's not white or silver...

2) The 3D Is In No Way A Game Changer...

Let us all be honest here, people aren't turning off the 3D effect because of headaches (at least not initially), they are turning it off simply because it's stupid! Don't get me wrong, it is cute to a point, but that point has very little to do with actual gameplay. The 3D would be better served as a story telling device for animation rather than trying to play an action game with it. If you are online trying to beat someone, the 3D effect is more distracting than an actual help.

I am willing to see if newer games can improve the overall 3D, but I'm not holding my breath. The effect is somewhat fun in Super Street Fighter 4 but almost worthless in Nintendogs, so I really have mixed feelings about it.

3) The 3D Cameras Are Less Than Shit:

I owned a 3D camera once, and it could take real 3D images that could be printed out, not blurry ass images that can only be seen on shitty wannabe cameras. Even as normal 2D camera, these are total ass. Sure, you are buying a game system, not a photography shop, but still...really? These cameras are just bad, horrible would be a better word. The pictures are grainy and dull, even in the best light possible, they are still pretty sucky.

4) Half The Main Features Aren't Even Available Yet:

I'm sorry, but the system itself (as a stand alone), is pretty boring. There is no web browser yet, no game download feature yet...no real point yet! We are talking about a $250 system that doesn't do much at all, and its main attraction (read: 3D), is mostly being turned off due to health issues. Honestly, at this point, I'd recommend buyers go pick up the DSi or the DSi XL if they haven't already. As far a features go, the 3DS is a major step down from the DSi. Yeah, we all know that features are on the way...*stops, looks down at my wrist to a watch that I'm not even wearing...* take your time here Nintendo...

5) The Launch Titles Suck:

This isn't a Nintendo only thing here, all launches have shitty starter titles. It's like saying that the sky is blue, it's just a give-in that the first generation of game on any new system will suck. See, game companies have to have crap-fests for their launch line-ups, that is their job and it's the job of people like me to bitch about it; it's the circle of life. If this trend did not exist, then the very fabric of reality would simply cease to exist.

The 3DS has an okay (at best), launch 'window,' (read: the first 3-4 months after the release date), but the actual launch titles on day one, completely blow!

6) The Stylus Blows Too...

I really hate this new stylus. The original DS stylus was passable, but my personal favorite has to be that bulky motherfucker that came with the DSi XL, I love that bad boy! For the record, I really hate typing out the word "stylus," I don't know why, but it's an annoying word to spell and quite honestly gives me the shits!

7) The Sound is Shit:

The sound is borderline passable in game, but if you want to listen to actual music, it's very low and can't be turned up any more. I haven't tried it with ear buds yet, I'm sure it's fine with them.

8) Some Basics I haven't Figured Out Yet...

This sort of harkens back to number 4, but damn it, there are basic things I can't figure out. There are simple things that I just don't know how to do yet, like how to delete that stupid ass free 3D video that came with the last system update. Now I don't know if these basics are just hidden from me and I have to do some poking around to find them (like system update, you have search for it to find it), or are these features simply not unlocked yet, and will they be with a future system update? It's bullshit either way, it makes the system feel rushed and not well thought out!

9) A Lack of A Wrist Strap:

Nothing floats my fuck more than NOT having the little loop-de-loops built into the system to add on a wrist strap. See, I have this little Link figure from Minish Cap, that I really enjoy having hanging off my original DS system, and I want the same for the 3DS too. I just don't understand why Nintendo has to mess with my danglers for? They did this with the XL too and it really threw me down a flight a stairs.

10) It Just launched And It's Already Out of Date:

As a HUGE iPad fan, I have to say that between the overall price, shitty games and the tiny bullshit screens, the 3DS just is NOT a good buy right now. Nintendo have lost the magic, because there used to be some fun and grander about buying a Nintendo title. That has been replaced with a cut-n-paste version of game making where they pretty much don't makes games any more they just makes ports. Now don't get me wrong, we all know that Zelda and Star Fox will in fact be updated ports, I'm not talking about that, I am however talking about games like Nintendogs, Animal Crossing, Advance Wars, and many others of the like. Let's be honest, if you've played one, you've pretty much played them all.

Now, don't misunderstand me here, all sequels are like that, but there used to be a time when each Nintendo game felt different, those days seem to be over. Take games like Zelda OOT and Zelda MM, they are both the same game, off the same game engine and they mostly look the same, but yet they are both totally different games with different feels to them. Now compare that to all the Advance War games, other than story, not much is different. How about how lackluster each installment of Animal Crossing is becoming?

I'm just getting tired of buying the same gamer over and over again simply because a new system is out. It's like New system (though I'm even starting to question that), same game. I'm not asking for a total reinventing of every game every time but the half ass updates of Animal Crossing Wii and Nintendogs and cats from their previous installments...let me be honest, I've gotten far better game updates on the iPad for free games than I have for $40-$50 from Nintendo. It's just very sad! The system, from screen size to graphics is already obsolete, and it just launched!

Why Halo Reach Defiant Maps Suck:

Unlike many a 12- year old who might make such a statement, I'll try and back up my claims with actual reason. The maps have moments where they seem like fun might ensue, but at the end of a typical 12 minute round, you find yourself wondering why the hell you just tossed away ten bucks for. Don't get me wrong, the maps in defiant are very pretty to look at, and are some of the most interesting aesthetically pleasing maps around, but the beauty is completely overshadowed by a lack of actual fun game play mechanics, totally ignoring the fundamentals that make an FPS fun to play. Let me break it down section by section and try and layout some ways to correct each.

Map Size Matters:

Simply put, these maps are just too damn big. I know that within certain game types (such as a flag match), that a larger map is welcome, and I totally get that, but you can't offer up 3 maps at $10 a set and then let it slide with a one-size-fits-all view of map making. That just isn't cool! Not everyone likes firefight, or big team battles, flags etc., so by trying to shoehorn in maps for every occasion, it just leaves the average Halo gamer with a piss poor selection of maps that aren't exactly suited for any one game type. An example would be Condemned, an overall nice looking map, but when the largest number of player is typically 6v6, it's not as much fun as it should be. I personally ran around that map three times before I found someone to shoot, very annoying! Now, if say, there was a 12v12, that would be much better.

Pick A Game Type, And Stick With It:

Lets be honest, Highlands is a great looking map and if broken down into smaller bites could really be something to take note of, but as it stands now, it really does very little of anything right. The map is suffering from an identity crisis; does it want to be a run-n-gun Slayer type, with some good vehicle shootouts, or, does it want to be a campers-whore-paradise for Snipers? As it stands now, when one or two sniper shots and your vehicle is toast; the Snipers have to much the advantage. I mean, considering the run-n-gunners and the vehicle specialists are battling it out (like real men), down on the ground, the Snipers are up on the rooftops (out of firing range and hiding with their lil blankies and their bah-bahs playing slap ass with each other like the cowards that they are), armed with Spartan lasers and one-hit-wonders, it just takes the fun out of the game. Either make it a full on sniper game, or make the Snipers less powerful. By playing both sides like this, neither side gets the representation they deserve, and it's a damn shame!

Once Bought, Never Played:

I may feel more generous about giving up $10 for maps, if said maps would actually carry over to the next game. Sure, I get that each game is different and that Halo 3 maps might not translate over well considering that Reach now has jetpacks, but let's be honest, who wouldn't want to pay old (mostly newly punched) Halo 3 maps with a jetpacks? There is zero reason that games like Halo and Call of Duty couldn't carry the map packs over. Sure, there might need to be a few tweaks to make that happen. But come on, we are paying $10-$15, the developers can make that happen. I'm sick of buying maps and not being able to play them. Because of the idiocy that is the Halo 3 search, there maps I bought and have never gotten to play online.

5 Reasons The Wii Gives Me The Shits:

Top 5 Reasons The Wii Gives Me The Shits:

1) Overly Worthless Controllers:

Let's face it, the controllers on the wii system are total bullshit! I shouldn't even have to clarify that statement with an example, but because their are millions of fan boys all up-in-arms right now after having read that, I guess that I'll have too.

We should start with the wiimote itself; talk about a clunky piece of ass. I have zero clue why anyone would feel the need to market such a prehistoric piece of plastic fuck for. I get that it's Japanese based and the Japanese people all have hands the size ladle-nits, but lets face facts folks, the button lay out is really horrid. REALLY? Have the people that support the wiimote actually tried to play Zelda: Twilight Princess, or Metroid Prime 3 with it? Thumbs just are not meant to move that way, going from the D-Pad all the way down to buttons 1 and 2, just is not practical. How can anyone with more than 2 active brain cells say that it's an ideal set up? Trust me, it is not!

Now, let's move on to the classic controller... The fact that it's not wireless should be enough to make anyone shit themselves sideways, but what in the blue hell was the thinking behind making the classic controller plug into the back of the wiimote for!? Holy Hell, are you kidding me?! Why would anyone want to anchor down their controller while they are paying, might as well strap a fucking brick to it as well...come on, talk about "design flaw!" I'll just end this by saying that it is a very awkward controller both physically and technologically, and simply leave it at that.

2) Really Annoying Advertising:

You have two Japanese guys showing up at your door, bowing and saying, "Wii Would Like To Play," now are the asking or telling; either way, they have 30 seconds to get off my lawn before I unleash the hounds and call the cops!

The worst advertising comes in the way of watching a bunch of assholes hunkered down in their living rooms, all with shit-faced-grins, trying to make me believe they are having a blast. I'm sure they are having a wonderful time, but try and convince me that a pay check had nothing at all to do with it. Let's be honest, in one ad, there is this overly hot blonde who is wearing pants so tight that they make her ass squeak when she walks. I'm supposed to believe that a girl that hot sits around playing games all day, the only games she's playing all involve dollar bills and a strip poll...I'm just saying!

3) Shitty Graphics:

Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm still crying about this topic, but damn it, if I have look at something for 30 plus hours I want that something looking good. Why would anyone want to sit and stare at shit all day when they could be looking at something pretty?

To me, this is more of a generational issue than anything else. Kids today, all look back at Super Mario Bros., or Legend of Zelda on the NES System and try and make the lame ass argument that graphics don't matter, it's all about gameplay. This is coming from a wrong perspective, looking back on it, in hindsight, is one thing, but having lived through it is totally another. Going from Pong to Super Mario was HUGE at the time, the graphic of Legend of Zelda were in fact the Unreal Engine of today, does anyone honestly believe that Mario and or Zelda would have had the same level of greatness on the Atari 2600? I think not - debate closed!

4) A Very Anal Looking Dashboard:

A dashboard update much like what Microsoft did with the 360 would go a long, long way to give the system a well deserved kick in the slacks. I'm not saying that it would sell systems, but for the long time user, it would mean a lot.

Every interface can and should be always updated to become more and more user friendly.

5) Fucking Old People:

I'm just going to let the photo speak for me...