God Hates Feebs: May 2011

Dopeboy phone tag:

About a year ago, I started receiving phone calls from a 1-800 something or other and in the title section of the caller ID it read: (Health). Not really the most shocking thing I've ever discovered in my life time, but after 4 weeks of receiving phone calls about every 3 hours or so, it really started to get on my nutz, and thus the reason for my writing about it!

Around this same time frame, I was being magically bombarded with spam phone calls of all sorts; everything from car insurance to affordable healthcare, so in all honesty these calls were not out of the norm. I just stopped answering my phone altogether and it had gotten so bad that I had to place myself on the 'do not call' list simply to get some peace. The damn phone was ringing about every 15 minutes, it was total bullshit!

Anyway, after placing myself on the do not call list, all the calls (except for the one in question), had stopped. I was only receiving one daily call now and it was this health one. Normally, I'd just let the phone ring out and simply ignore the foolish thing, but day in and day out it just wouldn't stop. So one day I decided to answer said phone...

I pick up the phone and say, "Hello," I wasn't mean, I wasn't rude, though I probably had a right to be. The woman, clearly calling from India, who oddly sounded like Gandhi's sister spoke up and inquired, "Helloh, is Dannl Duglass there? Now I remember dopeboy from his time smoking pot with his lover down in the cellar of my once family home (you know, before it was turned into a hunting lodge), so I said to the woman, "No, he does not live here, you seem to have the wrong number..."

This, however, did not seem to side well with Gandhi lite, and she insisted that she did in fact have the right number. Finally, I got pissed and hung up. Things were good until about a week later when the calls started up again. After about another 5 days of the same bullshit, I answered the phone once again with the typical "Hello" opener and again, the same shit as before, "Helloh is Dannl there?"

Doing my best Sol Rosenberg impression I say, "Hold own, let me Look-n-See..." at which point, I placed the phone down and went back to watching TV. during the next commercial break, I went to check on Mrs. Gandhi only to hear her pressing the phones receiver up and down trying to get a dial tone. I just laughed and hung up.

The calls stopped until about 3 weeks ago, now I'm only guessing that this is not the same woman each time they call my house, but each time I pick up the phone and hear, "Is Dannl there...?" I give a different answer:

Just yesterday, I answer saying in my best Indian telemarketing voice that I could muster, "HELLOH?" The woman says, "HELLOH, is Dannl there?" so I say back, "HELLOH?" she then repeats here inquest, I tell her (still doing my best middle Eastern voice), "Oh mah Gawd, ah just fell down da stairs an mah legs are gone..." she fires back with, "excuse me?" so I hung up!

One other time I told the woman, "Gee, no, I'm sorry, Dannl isn't here any longer, he's currently in the state pen. Some neighbors had him arrested for breaking into their cars and stealing peanuts, Tick-Tacks, Saltines and lil ketchup packets and rubbing them on his chest and ass."

My all time favorite, however, has to be when I broke out in a flaming Gay voice and told her, "Let me tell you a lil something about that son-of-a-bitch, I gave him 5 of the best damn years of his life. I was planning a lil trip to the Hamptons, me and Steven, and Greg, we were all planning a lil group thing and it was to be a surprise for Dannls birthday. Two days before the trip the bastard informs me that he's currently sleeping with Ranaldo and has been for the past 7 months..." at about that moment, I hear the phone click, she hung up.

I have zero clue as to why my number has been given out like this, but it's giving me the shits. This must be how Jim felt during "The Sword of The Ninja" days back in '96!